Perfectionism Probs

Have y'all ever heard the saying that your biggest weakness is also your biggest strength, and vice versa? Let me share a personal story with you, and then I want to share some things the Lord has been working in my spirit lately. 

I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I recall this one time in K5 where I got a conduct mark for asking this boy, Hayden (who was adorable and had a Power Rangers lunchbox), in the lunch line if he would play with me on the playground that day. My teacher corrected me for talking out of turn, and I received a consequence; I was distraught. Do you hear me, people? Like cry-the-rest-of-the-day, absolutely-dreading-the-moment-my-Daddy-picked-me-up distraught. (Sweet Dad found it quite humorous and told me that it was all good and simply make a better choice tomorrow.) But to my little K5 mind, I was ruined forever and my spirit was crushed. That conduct mark would surely define me for the rest of my life, and my teacher would hate me forever because I had a small slip up. WRONG. 

Fast forward many years past elementary and middle school (I mean, always a good thing to fast forward past middle school, am I right? Hellooooo, slicked-backed ponytail and missing teeth and braces) to 9th grade Algebra 2. Up until this point in my life, I had never made a B in school. Let me tell y'all a little something about myself: I HATE MATH WITH A BURNING PASSION. Want to know why? Because I struggled in it, and surely anything that makes us struggle is of the Enemy. Well, that was my thinking anyway, haha. Algebra 2 kicked my hiney on the regular. It was hard, so I worked hard. I stayed up late, woke up early, went to help class, cried, studied, cried some more. That's what a typical day looked like. I broke down multiple times in class and would have to step out in the hall to compose myself. My sweet, precious teacher was amazing; she loved me through it and reminded me a few tests didn't define me and that I could get past this. I pulled out a B in that class, but I still viewed myself as a failure and that one grade would surely define my academic career forever. WRONG.

Fast forward to college. My goal in college was to maintain a perfect 4.0 all four years... big shock, right? I was rolling along just swell; that is until second semester of junior year. I had to take a Modern and Postmodern Poetry class (it was truly as awful as it sounds). This class was difficult, y'all, and the professor was tough. I trekked along, studying my booty off, writing papers, and analyzing these poems no one had ever heard of. After a grueling semester, our professors released our final grades online, and I vividly remember sitting at work trying to focus on my job, when all I could think about was this doggone grade that would be released at some point during the day. I refreshed that page 147 times before the grades finally showed up: A, A, A, A, A, B. That last little letter ROCKED MY WORLD. I know this doesn't resonate with some because you're probably thinking, "Dadgum Claire, C's get degrees; you better rejoice at those grades!"

But here's the thing, y'all. I couldn't. In my mind, that one B was going to ruin my chance at getting a job, because surely future bosses would pay very close attention to the difference of a 3.999999 GPA vs. a 4.0 GPA on a resumé and assume I wasn't capable. My thinking was so skewed because I couldn't get past the need for perfectionism. My awesome parents, who were so supportive, used to always joke with me that my teachers probably thought my parents beat me at home because of how I reacted to anything less than perfect. But that's just it, I was the one putting that pressure on myself; everyone else in my life was full of love and grace, yet I couldn't extend those two vital things to myself. 

Something so small that began when I was a mere five years old is something I carried with me into adulthood. I look back on my years as a child, a student, an athlete, a young adult, and am heartbroken on the amount of stress I carried. Something that would have been so easy to let go was something that weighed upon me so heavily that it was tangible.  

I still struggle with perfectionism at times. I allow the Enemy to speak lies into my mind, I let him use others to tear me down, I allow him to tell me that I'm no good, I'm a failure, and I'll never accomplish anything if I'm not totally perfect. Here's the thing though, friends, and this is what the Lord has been speaking into my spirit lately: we have power over the Enemy as followers of Christ. The Enemy is the Father of Lies, and to combat those lies, we must know the Truth. The Bible says when we know the Truth (Jesus), the Truth will set us free. Who the Son sets free is free indeed. 

Digging into God's Word has been such a comfort for me lately. The days in this world can be long, they can be tiring, and they can be downright frustrating. We can take total comfort in knowing that we don't have to clean ourselves up before we come into His Presence. He loves us just as we are. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us, not "When we got our lives together, Christ died for us." The amazing thing about Jesus is that He loves us just as we are, but He loves us too much to allow us to live in ways that don't line up with His Word. He will refine us through the fires, and He will use our biggest weaknesses and turn them into our biggest strengths for the Kingdom. 

My quest for perfectionism brought some negative things to my life, but now, thanks only to the power of the Holy Spirit, I'm able to use this thing that was once a weakness and find strength in different areas of my life: how to work hard, how to be gritty, how to persevere through trials, how to never give up, how to love others, how to see myself as God sees me. Though it was a long road with lots of curves, bumps, and road blocks, it is mine, and I am His. I rest in the knowledge that a perfect God loves my imperfect self with all that He is, and He can use my imperfections and weaknesses to demonstrate His strength.

Extend grace to yourselves today, friends, and grasp hold of the unending grace of a Heavenly Father who loves you so much that He sent His only Son for you and for me. 

Love and blessings,

Claire